Health
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Food
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Better Than Butternut: Roasted Delicata Squash Recipe
10 Simple Ways To Eat Less Without Noticing
Juicing: Stupid and Pretentious or Nourishing and Enlightening?
10 Tasty Carbs That Won’t Make You Fat
How To Start Working Out When You Don’t Like To Exercise
Focus More on Your Brain and Less on Your Diet if You’re Serious About Losing Weight
Home Court Habits: The Secret to Effortless Weight Control
10 Reasons You Aren’t Losing Weight When You Think You’re Doing Everything Right
How To Burn More Calories Without Breaking A Sweat
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Foodists
I Can’t Believe I’m Making This Announcement
3 weeks and blissfully ignorant
As a kid there were many things that I envisioned for my future. I wanted to go on adventures, to travel and explore the world. I wanted to meet interesting people and learn interesting things. I wanted to create a life I was proud of, and build something that would impact the world. Never did I think I wanted to be a mom.
That isn’t to say I never thought I’d raise a family. I figured it would happen eventually. It just wasn’t something I imagined or accounted for in my plans, and so it was something I continued putting off until… well, now I guess.
Kevin and I are expecting a baby girl in early November, a few weeks before my 38th birthday. The pregnancy was intentional, and we are truly excited to embark upon this new chapter of our lives together.
But I’m not going to pretend my feelings aren’t ambivalent.
The positive aspects of having children are obvious. Building a family legacy, the most intense feelings of love, deeper bonding with your partner, and the personal growth that accompanies a challenge of this magnitude. I’m very much looking forward to all these things, and am certain my life will be better for including them.
But I’m old enough and smart enough to know that I’m also giving up a lot of things that I truly love about my life. Things that I’ve worked hard to achieve, like freedom and independence, will no longer be a given in my day-to-day activities. Willfully giving up these things is difficult, and I’m slowly coming to terms with what this means to me and how to reconcile it with the future I want to have.
For the record, my ambivalence isn’t worrisome to me. Uncertainty will always feel a bit uncomfortable, but I’m confident that my mind and body will guide me through this and I’ll find the balance I’m looking for. I know it will be a challenge, but as you know personal growth has always been one of my favorite past times. And as this recent Times article makes clear, I know I’m not alone.
One of the challenges for me as I adjust to this new normal is figuring out how to talk about my experience, both publicly and privately. Privately it has already been difficult. It is clear that people come to the subject of pregnancy with a lot of preconceived beliefs, most of which I struggle to relate to.
I know everyone is trying to be nice and/or helpful, but most of the conversations I’ve had have either been of the magic and rainbows variety, or the “let me give you the real talk” advice dump followed by “you’ll get a lot of advice, just do whatever you want.” I don’t know how to respond to either of these things except with fake smiles and shallow thank yous.
Only one friend has mentioned the struggle that comes from shifting your personal identity when virtually everyone expects you to be someone you’re not. I greatly appreciated this honesty.
Talking about pregnancy publicly is also a challenge. If health, body image and nutrition weren’t the focus of my work I probably wouldn’t mention it here at all, at least not until I was closer to the due date. I’ve never wanted this site to be about me, it has always been about helping you.
But there is no way around the huge impact that pregnancy and motherhood will have on my perspective on the subjects I cover here regularly. So I’ve made the decision to come out and tell you now that I’ve completed the 3-month hangover more commonly known as the first trimester. Plus I’m sure many of you are dying of curiosity and have a million questions about my experience.
I want to be honest and open with you, but I don’t want this to turn into a mommy blog (literally my worst nightmare). Obviously I’ll pepper in personal stories related to my experiences in articles and podcasts whenever it feels relevant, but at the moment I don’t plan to dedicate exclusive articles to my thoughts or experiences on pregnancy or motherhood after this one.
That said I’ll consider using another platform like Facebook Live or something similar to host Q&As if enough people are interested.
One of the unexpected benefits I hadn’t considered when we decided to start a family was how it would impact holidays. I’ve never been a formal holiday person; you won’t find any Easter Bunnies or jack-o-lanterns in my storage rooms. But as much as I’ve tried to tune it out, Mother’s Day has been a bummer for me ever since I lost my mom in 2003.
This is the first time since the accident that I actually have something to smile about on Mother’s Day, and next year I imagine will be even more meaningful. It is also just a few weeks before the one year anniversary of my dad’s passing, and I know that Father’s Day (also coming soon) has been tough on Kevin since he lost his dad a few years ago. We hadn’t considered that these holidays would take on a more warm and positive light as we start a family of our own.
To celebrate the beauty of new life, I’m offering a rare $20 discount on Foodist Kitchen today through Mother’s Day. This price has never been available publicly––and likely never will again––so make sure to take advantage of it now if you’ve been wanting to learn to cook without recipes.
Simply enter the code MOTHERS20 at checkout between now and May 14 to save $20.
Enroll in Foodist Kitchen today→
Thank you all for your continued support through this crazy journey called life.
xo
Darya
Hey, congratulations! And thank you for your honesty. I do get the sense that everyone is expected to feel this immense bliss when expecting, and also suspect that things are much more complicated than that for most people, and that there’s no shame in that.
Congrats Darya! I love the way you talk about this – thoughtful,insightful, love the honesty. Keep this up and we’ll be begging for more mummy – baby info. Perish the thought! 😑😊
Wonderful news and congratulations! You will be a tremendous mom!
Congratulations! We just found we are expecting too. Thank you for your openness and honesty – I relate to those same complex feelings towards motherhood. If you do end up sharing any pregnancy related food and/or neuroscience knowledge in a non- Summer Tomato format, I’d love to learn from you.
Congratulations! We’re a week away from meeting our son, our daughter is 18 months old. I relate to a lot of what you shared, thanks for being so honest. Parenting is hard work but work worth doing. I found the more I gave up any of the control I thought I had over how things were going to be the happier we all were :)Enjoy this time and happy early Mother’s Day!
I’m in a very similar boat to yours, due with a little girl in late July, just before my 35th birthday. This is a pregnancy I intentionally tried for, but still wasn’t sure about. For many years, I was the friend who didn’t want kids and even now with her kicking me as I type this, I still feel strangely ambivilent about the whole motherhood thing while also loving her and being excited to meet her.
Right now, I miss wine and smoked salmon and being able to fit through the BART turnstiles without bumping into them. I worry that when she comes I’ll miss my lazy Sundays and my spur of the moment bar nights and most of all, the amazing relationship I have with my husband. Recently, he said something that helped me reframe my feelings about her coming between us. My biggest fear and worry has been that it will change us or make us grow apart, but he thinks she will actually bring us together because who else will we both love this much and be this invested in. We love each other’s families and friends, but it’s never the same as loving your own brother/parent/best friend/person. Now we have someone we both think is the best.
It’s a weird time, but I do find the way I feel about her sneaking up on me. Last week, we thought I was leaking amniotic fluid and I’d have to deliver her 13 weeks early. The idea of her being at risk and the crazy, overwhelming love I had mixed with the desire to protect her took me by surprise. I know in my brain that I love her and I’m excited about her in many, many ways, but it’s still a little shocking when a wave of it hits me like that.
I know you know you aren’t the only one out there with mixed feelings, but I wanted to share because it will feel that way sometimes. People say well meaning things like “enjoy every moment” and “isn’t pregnancy/motherhood magical” or the worst “this is what you were born to do” and you just have to smile and remind yourself it’s okay to feel however you feel about it. I wouldn’t give my daughter up for the world, but I think it’s okay that I’m also feeling confused about what this means for me and the life I have and love.
Thank you so much for your honesty in your comment to Darya. I am not a Mum although my sister has just had my first nephew and thoughts of motherhood are creeping in! I appreciate you being open with how you feel especially as we are often bombarded with people telling us we should feel one way or another and when we don’t it’s hard to reconcile within ourselves. I love the way your husband thinks of it and how you explain your feelings. I can imagine this may be the way I feel if I have children. Xx
Also, Darya, many congratulations! Thank you to you too for your honest and open thoughts on a topic that is fraught with societal norms xx
Thank you for sharing your post. This is a topic that I really needed and your comments are ones that are needed too. I am a 29 year old female, engaged a year ago and set to get married next year. My fiance is great. Been together for 4 years so it’s safe to say it feels like marriage has already settled upon us. Not much will change likely, but for our future plans. He wants kids. He is marrying me under the assumption I do too and agreement that’s what we want together. However, I feel my position change with the day and the crowd or my mood. I don’t have strong motherly feelings. No pull of emotions. I’m fact, I’m absolutely terrified by giving birth and disgusted by the whole thing. But I see the advantages of having a kid. There will be joy. Still, your word of ambivalence seems appropriate.
So with this, I need to ask of your and Darya, how did you settle on actually having a child? Will more decided feelings come to me? Or will I just accept my husbands desires? Is that even ok?
I worry because it feels not only is this about having kids, but it’s about being agreeable to a mutual decision and marrying my fiance. If I say yes to one, I can’t say no to the other.
Looking for any insight.
Thank you,
A
Yep, that was also part of the struggle for us. For me honest conversations were key. It took awhile (years) for me to articulate and for my husband to understand my reservations, but eventually he did. When I believed that and also that he was committed to helping and supporting me through the things I was worried about I felt much more comfortable. Also going through something so deeply personal with him strengthened our love and made me realize I’d be an idiot to not have a family with this wonderful human 🙂
Congratulations! What an exciting time for you!
An announcement any other way wouldn’t have been authentic to you. Looking forward to health and wellness information from you with your new perspective.
I also agree. You do give up a lot to be a mom, a part of a family. There is a new normal and the challenge is to find an acceptance and balance between old and new life.
Hope all goes well with the remainder of your pregnancy and congratulations!
Congratulations!! I have no advice, but I do look forward to hearing how your meal prep and menu might change along with the upcoming changes in your life.
that’s big news. i really appreciate your honesty. wishing you a happy and healthy next 6 months!!
Mazel tov!
Congrats! I’ve followed Kevin since the screen savers and diggnation and you since he started sharing your work… I love your honesty. You two will be awesome parents!
Congrats! Me and my wife had the same concern when we found out we were pregnant with our first. We travel all over, and build start-ups, and thought those days were over. But we’ve done everything in our power to fight the universe every step of the way. We still travel, and build companies… The only thing that changed was the amount of diapers and wet wipes you buy 🙂
Don’t worry, you guys will rock it!
Congratulations! I really appreciate you acknowledging the ambivalence & sacrifices. Not that you need any more advice, but the one friend who leveled with you about that? That’s the friend to keep talking with and listening to. You can shut out everyone else as much as you want. There is definitely such a thing as information overload with pregnancy and with being new parents.
Best of luck on your journey.
-Sarah T.
Thanks for your honest words!! They are ones I think all of us moms-to-be think, but never admit to say… but you’ve given me the courage to be more vocal about the feelings we have. I’m expecting later this year too, and part of me is so excited about the wonders that will come with being a mother. But then the other part of me is torn because I know that my independent self will never quite me the same. Life will change, and although everyone tells you “it changes for the better.” That doesn’t mean you aren’t a bit sad of what it once was. I feel that this is completely normal and it’s good to talk about!
So all in all, best of luck on your new journey!
Congratulations! It definitely changes your life forever, but the depth of feeling I have for my daughters is indescribably amazing.
So happy for you, Darya! You are beaming in your announcement pic. Even though I’m way past those emotions (my baby is 35), I can tell you that your feelings of hesitation are very normal. I too questioned a whole lot before and during early pregnancy. However the changes that happen will transform you. Motherhood is a sacred position and I’m certain you will do it proud! You’ll see. <3
Interested to see how you feel about what you wrote after she has arrived. No one can prepare you or “tell” you what you are in store for. Congrats
Congrats Darya!
Congrats! The struggle is real. Especially for the self-employed. You’ll figure it out. Enjoy the process. It goes by so fast!
Congratulations! I had my daughter last November at the age of 35. Although our baby was planned, I found everyone around us to be way.more.excited than we were (especially other parents). It’s tricky to navigate the Individual You! with what people’s expectations are.
Best thing though? Your baby daughter will be amazing and perfect and you’ll find your way. And probably make totally unexpected friends in the Mom Zone of Comraderie.
Again, congratulations! And I look forward to more awesome insight from you.
Hello Darya,
Congratulations! It’s a game changer.
I completely understand you! My daughter Esme will be 12 months next Saturday. I only feel the fog lifting (a fog of lovely bubba cuddles, anxiety and new self) in the last month but it has been a massive time of growth and loss. Loss of who I was before,independence at the core but I’m this new women, I still can’t quite put words on who she is, I’ve grown into something more than just a mum though. I feel the hardest thing for me has been making decisions and choices in life based on who I was before and not who I am now. It’s a huge transition but support is the key.
Good Luck as you navigate this next stage for yourself and family
Congratulations Darya! As a mom of two teens, I can tell you that motherhood is a roller coaster, but definitely worth it. People are very quick to give unsolicited advice, and much to my surprise with my daughter (my first born), I discovered some people are just downright RUDE. Despite 6 weeks of diligent effort, I could not get my daughter to breastfeed. She simply wasn’t interested. Emotionally, it was a very difficult time for me – I felt like such a failure, and frankly, rejected by my own kid. On more than one occasion, I had complete strangers lecture me on the damage I was doing to my child by feeding her formula while I was giving her a bottle in the park, or wherever. Well intentioned little old ladies at the store would tell me I wasn’t dressing her warmly enough. Over time, I learned to ignore these types of people. Our pediatrician had told me to trust my instincts. I have, and 16 years in, it has served me well. So, my unsolicited advice to you as you go through this journey is just that: trust your instincts! You will be a great mom. 😊
Congratulations. You and Kevin will be awesome parents, super smart, creative, honest, deep thinkers, realistic and able to find your own way of doing it. We have 3 kids and the last two came in our forties (we have a 6 year old and 2 eighteen month olds). I love being a dad, probably because if did a bunch of cool things in my 20’s and 30’s that if I’d been a parent early I might have felt like I was missing out on. Enjoy the ride, because there’s no looking back, because the new life will look nothing like the previous, but can be equally as amazing.
Congratulations. I’m glad you chose to talk about this publicly. I’m currently 6.5 months in and am feeling/have felt much of the same stuff you mention here. For me a lot of it has to do with my career, since being pregnant/breast feeding severely limits my abilities at work. I’m very interested in hearing more about what you have to say from a personal perspective as well as a health perspective. Everyone’s experience is different of course but I always appreciate a well educated opinion.
it will be the healthiest baby of 2017!
Congratulations Darya, I hope everything goes well for you, and thank you for being so honest.
Congratulations!
I understand exactly what you mean. My boyfriend and I are expecting our first child the beginning of December. Some days I’m excited, some days I think about trips I wanted to take, adventures I wanted to have that will have to be put off a few years. Honestly, we were at the point where we both thought that having a child just wasn’t in our future and then it happened.
Change is always scary but change of this matter can be even more terrifying – raising another human is a huge commitment and you sometimes can lose so much of yourself in it.
Congratulations and thanks for the post! I am the mother of three, and never felt immense bliss. Actually pregnancy was not great, all three times, with different complications. And it took a while, actually, after the birth of our first (who was a preemie) for me to feel anything other than exhaustion – and I had pp depression then too. But eventually I figured out some things and marvelled at or loved other things and was annoyed/disgusted at other things.
All of which is to say: I feel like I’ve grown into being a mom (just like I’ve been growing into being a Foodist), and it’s kind of cool for me to look back on the parenting journey over the past 9 years. It seems to me like you’ve got journeying skills from Foodist, an ability to learn new things each day, – so I hope this journey will be great too.
Darya! I’m so so happy for you and Kevin. Sorry for the loss of your parents. I lost my father 7 years ago, and I can’t bring myself to throw away Father’s Day cards I purchased for him, ready to send out.
While it makes sense that having a child of your own would alter perceptions of this holiday, I had never considered it. Much love and respect!!! I’m so happy for you both!
Congratulations, Darya and Kevin. You will figure it all out as time goes by, adjusting here and there, sacrificing some things for the benefit of other joys.Yes, your life will change in the ways you describe, but you will also have this incredible BONUS who brings you more joy that you thought imaginable. Enjoy the ride, and bless you both as you become parents.
Congratulations! Great post.
Congratulations! Maternal ambivalence is a real thing, and I agree that the practice of giving moms-to-be unsolicited advice can be really frustrating to be on the receiving end of. Raising babies is something that every parent-to-be knows intrinsically how to do–the biggest obstacle to letting that knowledge unfold in its proper way is outside expectations about what it *should* be like or is *supposed* to happen. I found that a lot of my energy during pregnancy and beyond went into blocking this stuff out from all kinds of sources. When it was coming from a well intentioned friend or family member, I found that the best way to deal was to smile warmly, thank them, and say “I got this.”
Be prepared for change – to your body and attitude towards food .. your body’s not yours at this time ….
I’m sure you meant this in a kind way but this language drives me crazy. It is misogynistic. My body is always mine, and I’ll teach my daughter that her body is always hers. When I was pregnant it was just working a lot harder than normal.
It has real implications too – I read this morning that the US has the worst maternal mortality rate in the developed world and our rate is rising. Rising! In 2017! Assumptions like “your body is not yours” and “all that matters is a healthy baby” are part of a culture that doesn’t value and thus support women and mothers.
Congratulations Darya!
While it’s true people give unsolicited advice to pregnant and new mothers, I wonder if being a public figure will change that dynamic for you? Instead of people giving you advice, you may be asked to share your expertise and insight with others. I would be interested to hear your thoughts on nutrition for children, whether on this blog or in another format.
Wishing you and Kevin all the best. And a very happy first Mother’s Day to you!
Congratulations to both of you! My girl is a year old next month. For what it’s worth, I hated every minute of pregnancy and did not (yet, at least) experience this complete identity shift in motherhood that so many women talk about. I feel like myself, just more tired and humbled, plus I’ve got a kid. I’ve always loved children and my daughter is total joy so I think I’m doing OK. You’ll be great parents 🙂
Pregnancy and parenthood have been useful in checking a lot of my healthy living assumptions/attitudes though. I was nauseous 24/7 until 20 weeks, had major food aversions to all vegetables and was extremely sensitive to smell so I couldn’t cook. I was too uncomfortable to run after 18 weeks. My healthy lifestyle depends on eating veggies, cooking at home and regular running! I continued to exercise the whole time, didn’t eat much, and still gained nearly 50 (!!!) lbs. It was a bit eye-opening in terms of putting myself in the shoes of people who really don’t like vegetables, have physical limitations, or have significant weight to lose. (And then now, despite my best efforts and thankfully recovered veg-heavy cooking habits, my child will only eat Cheerios and cheese.) I’d be interested to hear if/how being pregnant has impact your own healthstyle!
Congratulations, Darya! We just found out ourselves that we are expecting in November! Hope everything goes well with both pregnancies!
You and Kevin will raise a wonderful human being . The fact that you do not take the responsibility lightly shows great insight. Happy for you both. PS girls rock 🙂
Many, many congrats! I have no doubt you guys will awesome parents. 🙂
I am very happy for you! Your baby experience will be uniquely your own. It will have good and bad things. The bad things that you experience first will turn into the good things later….in other words, you will get used to it and will wonder how you ever got along without this little life that will shower you with a love that you have never known before. I, too am curious to see how this affects your food and habit blogs. I think it will be a good and interesting change. Looking forward to it!
Look forward to sharing your new life journey! Learn so much from your podcasts- always have a take away. I am 72 and continue to work to stay strong and healthy everyday. That said, if you find articles or have suggestions for us older folks on special nutritional needs and exercise, would appreciate it. Stay well and my best advice… be kind to yourself.
Congratulations! Wishing you and your family lots of health, laughter, love and joy. Thank you for sharing 🙂
Congratulations! Motherhood is a wondrous journey. You will not believe how much love is in your heart! Parenting is REALLY HARD WORK, but the rewards are amazing. Wishing you an easy pregnancy & much joy in the days, months and years ahead.
Congrats Darya! So excited for you and looking forward to seeing the new perspective in your writing.
Congrats to you two!!! We are expecting our second in October. I felt ambivalence the first time, and I feel it again this time. Welcome to the club. Being a mom is the best and the worst.
Congrats! All the best to you and your husband. If I can give you any advice it would be this: For each person, the experience is different, so just enjoy it and tune out the people who will be telling you what you should do, who try to rub your belly, or who try and explain what it is like to be a parent. You will know when it happens, no one can explain what it feels like, many tried and I thought I understood, but it was nothing like I thought.
Hi Darya and Kevin,
First off congrats. I’m happy for you guys. You both deserve great things in life and this is even better than great!
I have step children and I know how much they mean to me. They are my world especially sicne I lost both my Mom and Dad and am an inly child. Every breath and thing I do is about them. Most of the time. I throw Patti (my wife) in there every so often.
Enjoy your daughter. LIfe may never be the same after November, but you will never be the same either. It’s like starting over with everything there for you to love, cherish, nurture, and grow.
Be Well
Mark
Congrats!!! Don’t know how private you want to keep these memories but take a moment and check out some of the one second videos out there. A lot of new parents seem to enjoy them and can be super private. Especially that first year of life. Congrats again and excited to see what the Rose offspring prefers food wise. 😉
Congrats! And your comment about the holidays really hit home for me. We’re going through the same thing and also due around your same time with our first, as well as having lost our parents in the last few years. Same boat.
I was the same way about holiday’s…but once you see your kid excited about Halloween or xmas, it changes everything. You grow, and at some point forget how you were before children…in a good way. Congratulations.