Photo by Pavel P.
I had my first SlimFast shake when I was 11 years old and spent the next 15 years struggling my way through every diet under the sun.
Through all of high school and college I suffered from body image issues, fatigue, bad skin and thinning hair, all for a body I was embarrassed of.
If anyone knows how dangerous dieting can be for your mind, body and spirit it’s me.
At Summer Tomato my number one mission for the last five and half years has been to get people to stop dieting. Not only does it not work, it actually makes it harder to become fit and healthy.
Dieting also makes your life suck, and that is unacceptable.
I know this. But that doesn’t mean I believe you should give up on trying to look your best.
Far from it.
As strongly as I believe the word “diet” should be banished from our health lexicon, I feel equally that our bodies should be part of what makes life awesome. And that includes how we feel when we look in the mirror, and how others see us.
I’ve heard from many readers over the years who dislike this idea and have gotten angry at me for even mentioning the words “skinny” or “thigh gap.”
To be clear, I’ve never said these things should be sought after. But the mere mention of these words can trigger strong emotional reactions from some people (usually women).
The argument is invariably something like, “Don’t encourage women to care about their appearance to meet some external standard. It’s what is on the inside that makes you beautiful.”
Of course. Being thin and pretty doesn’t make you a good person and everyone is worthy of love and belonging no matter what.
But you’re delusional if you believe that your appearance doesn’t impact the quality of your life. And it doesn’t make you shallow or petty to care about it and actively strive to improve it.
There’s an avalanche of scientific data that we judge each other on appearance. First impressions are made within milliseconds, and are incredibly difficult to change.
And no, it isn’t just the insensitive jerks who do this. You do it and I do it. Babies do it.
It’s a reflex. It’s part of being human.
I’m not telling you this to make you feel bad, but to make you feel better.
It’s a huge step in the right direction to have realized that dieting is not a healthy path. Congratulations to you for that, you’re way ahead of the curve.
What I’m asking of you today is to have some compassion for the part of you that wanted to diet and look attractive. That person wasn’t crazy or shallow, that person was living in the real world where attractiveness matters.
Instead of rejecting the idea of self-improvement out of hand, let’s dig deeper into the limiting beliefs we have about appearance and health and reframe them so we get the best possible outcome.
Let’s start by dropping the judgement about whether or not appearance is important. You may think it shouldn’t matter, but it does. So let’s just call that a given and move on.
Dieting ISN’T unhealthy because you’re trying to improve your physique. That is a reasonable goal and attainable by anyone.
There’s also an excellent chance that weight loss will improve your health and quality of life.
Dieting IS unhealthy because it doesn’t work, and therefore sets you up for failure and undermines your self-confidence.
With repeated failures, you start to confuse your appearance with your self-worth. And this is extraordinarily dangerous.
If you believe that having extra fat on your body makes you a failure or unlovable, then you’ll feel disconnected from other people and unfulfilled. This is called shame.
When you feel shame you compare yourself to others, and see yourself in the worst light. It is one of the most destructive forces in the world not just because it feels horrible, but because it prevents you from taking care of yourself and being authentic.
Shame stops you from being your best self and keeps you unhappy. And dieting is bad because it perpetuates shame.
That’s the real problem.
I’m all for ditching the diet-shame perpetual motion machine, but that doesn’t mean we have to stop caring about what we look like or be completely satisfied with ourselves as we are.
You can be confident in your self-worth and still see room for improvement.
I do this every day by reading books, taking classes and actively trying to change my behaviors that aren’t aligned with my goals.
When you can get over the emotional part of it, it’s actually really fun.
Another common limiting belief around attractiveness is that it is an exclusively physical phenomenon. But it isn’t.
Positive personality traits such as openness, agreeableness and confidence are more reliable predictors of someone’s attractiveness than physical appearance.
These can be detected when people look at you, but they can also be noticed in your behavior and voice.
That’s right, people can reliably predict someone’s overall attractiveness without ever seeing them at all. It can be done over the phone.
But doesn’t this mean that appearance doesn’t actually matter?
Not exactly. Appearance is one factor in how people perceive you, but it works with other factors to make a complete picture.
More important is that every one of these factors that influence how you are seen by others can be improved with effort.
To improve your appearance you can eat better, sleep better, get exercise, have good hygiene and wear nice clothes.
You can improve your behavior and tone of voice by working on your confidence (which is also linked to appearance). You can also learn about the power of body language and people skills.
Understanding these factors and actively trying to improve them is called having a growth mindset.
When you cultivate a growth mindset you trade in limiting beliefs for expansive beliefs that enable you to achieve more with the same resources.
You gain confidence in yourself and your abilities.
You become a positive force in the lives of others.
Nothing is more attractive.
Have you ever dismissed the importance of appearance to protect yourself from being vulnerable?